Yes, it is. It is perfectly okay to cry for many reasons. It is a human expression we all need to do from time to time. The last four weeks were some of the most stressful and sad weeks I’ve had in my life. All during the same time that I had to give eleven presentations to different audiences on eight different topics (four were brand new) and also included going away from home four times. As a speaker, I needed to be “on my game” and “entertain the audience” without them knowing what I was going through inside. They don’t need to know. They may not care either. People attend conferences and seminars to learn and to be entertained and don’t need to or care to listen to what’s going on in the speaker’s life.
So this morning, during my prayer time I cried for hours. Couldn’t stop. It was like a river that had been stopped and the dam overflowed. I cried because I lost a first cousin and missed having him in my life for the last thirty years. He was one of the cousins I grew up with as a child and the Nicaragua war separated us and we all continued to grow up in different places. I cried because my aunt is suffering to see her only son die in front of her eyes. I cried because I felt the suffering of all the people who loved him. He died two days before my first speech so I started this speaking marathon already distracted and hurting inside.
During the next two weeks, my father-in-law’s health deteriorated quickly from heart disease and we heard the news that he only had six months to live. A week later, the doctors said he only had two weeks. And by the end of the first week, they told us he only had two days! My husband and his sister flew to Missouri where he lived his last years with his wife. I had to stay behind because I had an all-day bank seminar to teach on Tuesday, June 7th. I called my father-in-law that Saturday and said my goodbyes. I’m glad I did. I told him I would see him on Wednesday but I never did. The very morning of the 7th at 3 a.m. I got the text from my husband saying his dad had passed away at 2:53 a.m. I didn’t cry then but I couldn’t fall back to sleep for hours and when I finally did, the alarm went off. I was to go teach the whole day. I was in agony suffering because I wasn’t there with my husband when his dad passed away. The guilt was consuming me but I had to follow the plan to get through the seminar and leave to MO on Wednesday.
Only God could help me teach the entire day without falling apart. I had an army of Christian brothers and sisters praying for me—for strength, for grace, for peace. The seminar was a success and no one knew what I was going through inside, which was not only the grief that I couldn’t say my goodbyes in person but that I was not there for my husband for such a time as this. Wednesday came and I left to join my husband, his sister, and my father-in-law’s wife. My husband told me the story of his dad’s last minutes on earth. After they took the oxygen off because that’s what was keeping him alive the last few hours, he took his last breath and his eyes opened. Then my husband said to his dad as he closed his eyes, “I’ll see you in heaven dad!” I cried when he told me that because it’s a beautiful thing to have done and have said to his dad. I know his dad heard him as he smiled on his way to heaven. It’s also the only hope we all have to see our loved ones in heaven when our turn comes.
While in Missouri when my husband and I were going through his dad’s things in the garage (which was very sad and emotional), I received an email from a very close friend saying she was separated and was thinking of divorcing her husband because he "started drinking again." This was devastating to me because I love both of them but at the same time, I was angry at him for allowing his addiction to take over and hurting my friend in such a way. Now their marriage is in God’s hands and only with His help it will be restored. I also told my friend it would be hard for me to forgive him this time.
Yesterday, my friend told me her husband needed a place to stay and my heart broke. I felt an overwhelming love in my heart for her husband. The love of God watching His little child struggling with addiction. It was a supernatural love that only God could put in my heart and I was able to forgive him and pray from my heart for his restoration and healing. I don’t understand addictions and I don’t have the training or education to deal with them or their behavior. But I do understand the love of God and His supernatural power to heal us and give us the opportunity to start over and over again. I feel now free of anger and resentment toward him. I feel free to love him as a child of God and not as a broken human being with all the dirt that sin brings into our lives. I’m sure there will be consequences to his behavior that will take years to heal and repair but God is powerful, faithful, and loving. I’m now believing for the best for both my friend and her husband.
So today, I cried for hours… I cried because I felt the love of God in my heart loving all of those who are suffering. I cried because I couldn’t do it before and I had a river of tears that needed to come out. I asked God again to forgive me for my sins and now I feel good, relieved, and cleansed from my own sins.
So if you ever wonder if crying is okay or not. Yes, it is. Cry and let it out. You’ll feel relieved and ready to continue the fight. Next Tuesday, June 21st I have my eleventh presentation and then I have a month until the next one. God is good. He is faithful and loves us very much!